Do You Stereotype Everyone You See? (Part One)

I'm really easily bothered. Seriously. If a stupid problem can be solved really easily I get mad that nobody has figured it out yet. If an ex-girlfriend decides to talk to me as soon as I roll out of bed at three in the afternoon (nobody else has noticed that we don't update before 2?) my entire day is fucked. Stereotyping someone because of what they may or may not listen to has always bothered me to the point where I feel writing a definitive guide to who is who seems like a valient and downright heroic thing to do.

First thing is first: All of you "pre-distressed American Eagle cargo shorts" wearing fuckheads with Mark Hoppus hair take heed: the word "Emo" is not going to be suitable to describing a human being any more. I made the mistake of watching the Fuse network during one of those "look at other people's text messages while we play mediocre music that has actually been touted as emo by the mainstream music journalist community because they are all fucking morons" shows and I can't say how many times I saw the words "emos suck." Immediately I thought "What the fuck is an 'emo?'"

It finally came to me when I thought back to a boy named Mike. Mike was in my class and had the audacity to call a friend of mine an "emo." My friend was not in fact an "emo" but the double tall mocha annoying fashion abortion that are "scene kids." It has since than dawned on me that a reasonable good genre of music (seriously hear me out on this) is being confused with people who may or may not listen to Atreyu. Let's make the proper distinguishments so you can from this day forward, make the ignorantly proper social pidgeonholing labels!

Scene Kids



This is a scene kid, which is most commonly called an "emo" by the uninformed, deaf, and dumb. There is going to be a lot of Fear Before The March of Flames, Grace Gale, and UnderOath if you hang out with these guys. Hawthorne Heights and My Chemical Romance are prevolent in the less-hip scene kid's car stereo. Tight women's hoodies (and pants), usually worn with shirts that belonged to a Little Leaguer at one point. Remember those velvet looking Puma shoes that all the girls on the tennis team own? Scene kids love those shoes, along with those really ugly Reebok moonboots Axel Rose use to wear. They all listen to the same kind of bland screaming-double-basspedal-but-not-exactly-hardcore genre of music (but it's NOT SREAMO) and are usually really offended when it comes to mislabeling them, because they are much more fashionably vogue than the standard emo fan, who has pretty much been extinct since like 1997. To a scene kid, Dashboard Confessional is the quintessential emo music. Popular to contrary belief, Rocky Volatono and The Spill Canvas are more scene bands, rather than some emo-revivalist shit.

The Emo Kid



An emo kid is much more delicate, less concerned about what the look like in the morning and their music taste is infinitely more interesting. The musical standard is that Sunny Day Real Estate's first album "Diary" is the quintessential emo album, Dashboard sold out, Connor Oburst was cool until he thought he was Bob Dylan, Rites of Spring was a great band and Fugazi was just too loud, Bear vs. Shark was really interesting before they broke up, and Tim Kasher is the second coming of Jesus Christ and has yet to do any wrong and fuck The Decemberists. Deep Elm rules. They carry a somewhat elitest stride in what they listen to because it's mostly still produced independantly, the real stuff hasn't changed, and those mall core jerks who name drop Cursive even though they only have Art is Hard on their expensive iPods and you have The Recluse on 7" are just assholes with bad taste trying to look arty.

The wardrobe, for the most part, is not as uniform as the scene outfit with it's meticulous pre-ripped jeans and obscure t-shirt. Emo kids made thrift stores cool before you even knew they were cool. Those rad faded t-shirts Colin Farrell wears? Thank the emo kids. Why vinyl is making a comeback? Because all the emo labels from the mid-90's could afford to put out 7" instead of CDs and that was the only way to hear the bands. Army/Navy is where it's at. Pea coats, vintage stuff, and Elvis Costello glasses. At least these guys look like normal hipsters, rather than purple streaked glam-rock kids with really bad taste in what they listen to.