I Love Jenny Lewis Like A7X Fans Love Masturbating With Razors, Which Is A Lot -- Ginomee

Now, I'm not going to say that Jenny Lewis is a godess. She may be a pale, hot ass redhead whose voice can drive masses of men to a box of Kleenex in ten seconds flat, but let's be fair, she's not perfect. She hangs out with a guy named Pierre. But it's better not to look at people for their flaws, right?

Jenny Lewis is the amazingly talented vocalist of the amazingly talented Rilo Kiley. No link necessary for them however, if you wanna know who they are, look them up. When I was asked to write an article about Jenny Lewis I figured "Hey, why the fuck do the normal shit?" So that's what I'm not gonna do. Listed below is exactly what I think of the amazing vocalist above vocalists, Jenny Lewis

I think it's safe to say that if Jenny Lewis was tied to my bed, without clothes, and asking for sex, I'd probably, probably, oblige her. I mean, she's only been in movies and commercials, but hell, sometimes you just gotta settle for less than the best. That metal rod put in her fucking jaws to keep her from cracking her teeth at night that she talked about in "Jenny, You're Barely Alive" will become more literal than she thought. Not to mention, "Jenny, You're Barely Alive" is an amazing song not really on any Rilo Kiley albums. If we're talking about how great her music is, which is obviously her main appeal, then look no further than "Take Offs & Landings," which was an album that has more respect from everyone in the music world than the entire works of Metallica. Jenny's vocals on the entire album make you contemplate everything from love poetry to stalking in order to win her heart. Then there's blood in your mouth, cause you'll be biting your tongue all week. And the first week after first exposure to Jenny Lewis is like Coke withdrawal, only harder to deal with. It's like losing your virginity to God, if God was a hot pale redhead who makes cussing sound like not only art, but beauty incarnate. By the way, if you wanna pick up a copy of "Take Offs & Landings," "Go Ahead."

My first Jenny Lewis experience was with the most recent Rilo Kiley effort, "More Adventurous" (which incidentally happens to be the working title of the book about my future life with Jenny Lewis). One listen to "The Absence Of God" and I realized what was wrong with my life. Too little religion. So I founded a church on rock more solid than even "The Church Of Havok." Hard to believe, I know. I called this church, "The Church of Jenny Lewis" And what the title lacks in originality, the church makes up for ten fold in devotion. We answer the tough questions like, What do you do "If living [without Jenny Lewis] is the problem" which I'm sure you'd agree, is "just baffling." And after you hear "More Adventurous," you'll be banging on the door of our two room apartment headquarters begging to be a member. The sheer "indie" (and I use that soiled term lightly) beauty of the album is almost enough to make girls lesbian. Only they all already are in a small way, so I guess that's not a good example. But, to be basic, Jenny Lewis sings every track on "More Adventurous" as good as a vocalist from Omaha, and who knows, she might be.

And who could forget the work that the ever-gorgeous and eternally youthful Jenny Lewis did with the good ol' Watson Twins on her solo album, "Rabbit Fur Coat." It's a stunningly honest and brutally folksy album that turns heads from here to Darfur. Just kidding, people in Darfur don't have time for music. But if we could only play some soothing "You Are What You Love" for those mean-spirited bastards who are civil warring over there, I think everyone would lay down "The Big Guns" and relax. They'd probably go back to killing right after they figured out where the weird foreign music with lyrics they don't understand because it's in a language they'll never know is coming from, but "It's a plan brother, at least." Your first listen to "Rabbit Fur Coat" might make you wonder whether you wanna listen to it or not. But it doesn't matter. It's Jenny Lewis. The obviousness of the truth will come to you in the end as you listen to it to over and over again to comfort you through nights of nothing wrong in particular. Just be glad that you weren't "born secular, and inconsolable," you ungrateful bastard. All three of the aforementioned albums must be picked up. Fuck options, options make countries weak. Do like Lenin told ya and pick those fuckers up.

To conclude (if such a thing is possible after what I've created here), Jenny Lewis is worthy of Worship And Tribute. The only way she could improve is to have sex with Daryl Palumbo, but now that he's in Head Automatica it's not likely he's up for heterosexuality. Not that Head Auto isn't good, it's just not Daryl. It's a bad clone. But enough about Daryl, we're all here on this Earth for one reason, and that is to make the angelJenny Lewis "Happy, hehe". Because I like watching her undress, and I think we're at our best by the flicker and the light of the TV set as we miss mornings for sleep as the sun glides over our apartment...