The Paramilitary of Taste

Thursday Is Still Singing About Car Crashes. And By God, I'm Glad. -- Ginomee

2006-07-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

Thursday's new album A City By The Light Divided is not a good album. No, that doesn't do it justice. It is masterful. It reminds me of all the reasons I still buy CD's. Even though the themes are still the same (car crashes, urban imagery, religious symbolism, etc.) it amounts to consistency. They've found what they do well, and so they don't change a good thing. I was honestly hesitant on that point myself, but it's not old yet. I was thinking about sending Geoff Rickly a letter warning him not to make another album about Rosary Beads and Broken Glass, but then I thought better of it. Geoff, you keep writing about whatever the hell you wanna. You're a producer of good shit in a day and age where This is considered music.

Tracks to buy on iTunes (Not download illegally :: GASP :: ) if you don't wanna get the entire album would be "Sugar In The Sacrament," "Telegraph Avenue Kiss," and "The Lovesong Writer." The first track on the album, titled "On The Other Side Of The Crash/Over And Out (Of Control)" is really two songs in one, and also the sequel to the Thursday classic "Understanding In A Car Crash" and well worth checking out, especially if you're an old Thursday fan. Hell, even the radio release is good (how the hell does that happen?).

I rate it James Joyce/The Massacre Of Every Redneck Who Uses The Phrase "Cowboy Up" At Least 500 Miles From The Nearest Rodeo

(8/10)

New Mars Volta song leaked. - By Dom

2006-06-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

(Scabdates album art is so cool.)

UPDATE 7/2/06:
New track Vermicide has been leaked as well, keep an eye out for the album.

Asilos Magdalena, a track from The Mars Volta's new album, Amputechture, leaked yesterday. I suggest searching for it (we won't reveal how we got it).

It's fucking incredible.

Fuck DORK the Band

2006-06-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Holy shit everyone I'm FEUDING with a band on Warped Tour. This whole saga with me and a band called Dork (best known for the song they had in that hit movie "American Pie: Band Camp," yeah the one with none of the original cast and went straight to DVD) started off in an email I wrote.

Dear Dork the Band,

I am a 16 year old kid currently getting a band off of the ground rather quickly. I live in Arvada as well, and in previous bands have played at one of my personal favorite venues, Rock Island. I was told that you guys are in the process of suing the club on the grounds that a member of your band was pushed by a bouncer during your CD release show. Quite frankly guys, that's fucked up.

Because I just moved here a year ago, I wasn't aware that you guys were a local band and thought that the little incident was just a tour show. When I found out that you guys were from Arvada I was disgusted. Your band is going on the Warped Tour and you have to sue (and possibly close in doing so) Rock Island, one of the only clubs in Denver that will book smaller bands, and therefore totally fuck up the entire scene's support for upstart bands trying to get out there. Because you guys are from Arvada, I was hoping you would understand how important Rock Island is for forming bands like the one I have, and how much fun it is to play there, and you're just going to get it closed because you're a bunch of fucking babies. Go back on the Warped Tour (sponsored by Energizer Batteries and Vans! Two of the most corporate companies in this country), get signed, and shit on everyone below you.

Do Denver a favor and don't get Rock Island closed.

-Jesse Cooper

Looking back on the email, sure I may have been a little harsh on the guys. Actually, I retract my previous statement because this is a promo shot of Dork. The band. On Warped Tour.

Oh, haha, I get it. It's one of those gimmick bands that NEVER FUCKING GO ANYWHERE. That guy ALWAYS wears his sweater vest at shows! He wears a bandana but still dresses like the trombone player of a ska band! That guy doesn't even WEAR a shirt! Whoa! Watch out for Dork, the wackiest group of pop-punkers on the planet! Go back to 1999 where your bland excuse for a band might be successful to a generation of people who need an alternative to Limp Bizkit but don't have the intellectual capacity to get Methodrone by The Brian Jonestown Massacre.

Dork, however, being the souless over-exposed, tough guy pieces of shit actually had the unmitigated audacity to answer me in email form. It doesn't really bother me that they answered me, it's the fact that this is the response I got.

Jesse,
this really isn't any of your business but you don't know shit. i am only
writing you back because you are from arvada. did you know that one of us
was hit in the head from behind with a flashlight 4 times? did you know that
one of us was jumped by 4 bouncers? did you know that we had issues getting
paid? the only reason I am telling you is because you are in a band and we
wouldn't want this to happen to other bands. don't throw insults my way when
we have paid our dues kid. sorry to be harsh, but nobody should have to go
through that. its offensive to come from a fellow musician.

It's not my fucking business? I'm like two weeks away from booking 8 shows a month in a new band and it's not my business that one of the only clubs in the downtown area that books underage agentless bands is being sued by a bunch of New Found Glory wannabe assholes who are a month away from leaving town to go on the tour that destroyed punk rock as we knew it? One of you was hit in the head with a flashlight FOUR TIMES by the BOUNCERS? Get beat up and robbed by the same group of police twice a week and we can talk about "emotion scarring," you vapid asshole.

What really got my blood a pumpin' was that he actually complains about not being paid. Welcome to being a musician, dummy. None of us ever get paid unless we get invited to go on Warped Tour to play for middle schoolers who didn't get the message that AFI went mainstream and 40 year olds who used to beat off to Joan Jett when they were in college. Nice job on proving that you're a bunch of greedy, money-hungry fucking wasps. To have the balls to tell me that they have "paid their dues" really aggrivates me because I've been through more shit than their whole van full of their horrible members sniffing each other's asses ever will. Fucking up an entire music scene for every upstart band in the city is just counter-productive.

Dork, I encourage you to have a few beers while you're out pandering to eighth graders, get behind the wheel of your van and plow into Rise Against. And while you're at it, kill yourselves.

Muse - Black Holes and Revelations - By Dom

2006-06-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

(Sorry for the delay on this review.. Black Holes and Revelations sucked so badly, I really didn't want to listen to the whole thing.)

There was a reason I was hesitant to listen to this album... It's bad. Yes, it seems Muse has pumped out of Satan's womb another electro-pop nightmare.. Don't get me wrong, they have talent and all, but there's one problem: EVERY ALBUM THEY MAKE SOUNDS THE FUCKING SAME! Their single, "Supermassive Black Hole" (which reminds me of the fat girls I see in lunch) sounds like Michael Jackson on helium.

Here's a suggestion Muse, stop sucking ass. Seriously. People have been buying into this shit since 1999, and it hasn't gotten any different. The worst part is, Muse tries to act all "mysterious" and "spacey" with songs like "A Crying Shame". Sorry guys, you're not the Mars Volta, or Placebo, give it a fucking rest.

The album is probably one of the worst pop/rock/shit, in '06. Muse, either change your style or stop making music. Better yet, go pull a Rufus Wainwright and go make the soundtrack for Shrek 3, hacks.

Folks, do yourself a favor, and go check out the new Mars Volta track listing instead...

Final grade: F (with a touch of herpes)

P.S.

Cool shirt and nice face, dumbass.

Attention Daryl Palumbo: Get Another Girl To Cheat On You, Now. Popaganda Review-- Ginomee

2006-06-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

When I walked into the badass CD Store today, I picked up four albums. One was "The Execution Of All Things" by Rilo Kiley. Two were "This Station Is Non-Operational" and "Acrobatic Tenement" by At The Drive-In. And finally, I figured why the hell not pick up the sophomore "effort" by my favorite male vocalist Daryl Palumbo's five hundredth side project, Head Automatica. There are few things I regret in my life. Killing my mother with a hand grenade is one of them. "Popaganda" is one slightly worse than that.

I pushed the album into my ol' faithful HP Pavilion and waited while ol' faithful Windows XP loaded ol' faithful Windows Media Player so I could listen to the ol' faithful voice of Daryl Palumbo. But it wasn't the OLD Daryl I was hearing. It was a NEW Daryl, an EVIL Daryl. Possibly, a weakened Daryl. "Power-Pop," the useless brand upon this album and this band, does not even begin to describe what was leaking out of my speakers like piss from the cunt of a squirter. Track after Track after Track of guitar riffs that sounded identical to the last song. Daryl's voice coming slow, easy, boring out of my speakers. Light, poor music, almost like a Kidz Bop album on repeat for 3 minute flaccid-fests. There was no fury, no biting sarcasm, no hookers losing heads, no anger fueling songs with lyrics complex in scheme and meaning. Dare I say NO EMOTION? Exactly the words that come to mind. And clearly, according to the final word by Daryl in this Interview with TEEN PEOPLE that's what they wanted to happen. Pardon me for asking, but Mr. Palumbo, but what the fuck?

"Decadence," Head Auto's first album, was, in short, Genius. A few kitschy songs to appease the radio crowd (I'm looking at you, Beating Heart Baby) but overall a strong showing. Songs like "The Razor," "Please Please Please (Young Hollywood)," and their best song "Solid Gold Telephone" left the listener feeling quite happy to have purchased the CD. But at the end of "Popaganda," all I was happy about was the fact that my cousin from the military gave me a cyanide tab as a personal favor. Now I won't say there weren't a couple good songs on the album. "Egyptian Musk" reflected back enough to their old stuff to be enjoyable, and "Nowhere Fast" was great when it was the live track "Oxy Contin," but it lost a little in translation. But the rest of the album pretty much makes you glad it's so easy to break CD's with your fist.

For all of you new to Daryl, please, please, please, don't be fooled. This isn't the real Daryl. This is a truly delusional, possibly drug abusing Daryl. A Daryl that's stopped caring about one of the biggest parts of music: The feeling behind it. Sure, you can't make an album on feeling alone, especially not forced feeling (See past article about Fall Out Boy), but Christ! When you've got enough talent to creat "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence" and then follow that amazing force up with "Worship And Tribute" you've got lyrical talent and emotion that won't fail you when you try to make an album with depth.

So here is my question to you Daryl Palumbo: Does it really take a girl fucking you up while you suffer in a hospital bed to give you your musical powers? Is happiness your weakness in the same way oil weakens Captain Planet? If so, have Jarvis break your legs or date my sister, because we (your old fans, you remember us don't you?) can't feel this betrayed anymore. And, Mr. Palumbo, if this is where your music is headed, I think we've sent a clear message that we want no part of it. Enjoy your Michelle Branch fanbase, and it's been nice knowing you. All us old fans will see you at the next GlassJAw show (slated for 2016).

Do yourself a favor and avoid this baby vomit colored excuse for a Compact Disc. I rate this album Cancer/Crohn's Disease. You just don't want it.

Fall Out Boy Songs Remind Me Of All The Reasons Hitler Existed (Putting Prozac In Pete's Drink) -- Ginomee

2006-06-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

-Some people like to say Fall Out Boy is a good band. I like to say God created Ebola for a reason. As if "Dance-Pop" being their "genre" wasn't enough to stop you from liking Fall Out Boy, then surely Stump's ridiculous faux british voice should be. And if not that, their "front-man" who looks like THIS

should be. But if all this still isn't enough to convince your pathetic Scene mind to stop liking this so-called band, the following reasons will be.

#1: Blatant Thievery Turns Us On Like You Wouldn't Believe (A Lack Of Creativity In A Train Wreck)
-It's common knowledge that Fall Out Boy has the imagination of a neuro-surgeon. You remember the kid who would follow people around on the playground trying to join in their imaginative games? Then when he tried to think up something fun to do, it would amount to something really dull and overly complex that no one really wanted to play? That's comparable to the creative talent of Fall Out Boy. They have a brand of forced creativity that is rivaled in its fake nature only by the forced diplomacy the U.S. is currently having with Iran. Take this little gem from an interview with some generic rock people.

Pete Wentz: What’s more frustrating is when people who interview us think they are getting the real story but what they are actually doing is chopping up
and dissecting what we say until it does not mean anything more.

That's funny, because I could swear that their words meant nothing to begin with! My bad Pete. And who has time to get into their lyrics. Yes, you Fall Out Boy "fans" will crawl all over hell and fight off any Fall Out Boy lyrics bashers, but the fifteen hundred printouts of the band on your wall won't change the fact that their deepest lyrics are equivalent to the depth of semen that fits inside Patrick Stump's bellybutton. When The Mars Volta immortalized their poor deceased friend Julio Venegas into "De-Loused In The Comatorium" everyone who listened to it understood that this was not skin deep work. Well, everyone who wasn't listening to Straylight Run and weeping over Taking Back Sunday that is. But judging by FOB's radio releases (which is the work they deemed good enough for the radio, so therefore should be considered to be the band's attempt at flawless work) the depth of their lyrics is less than surface level. I don't even need to quote it, we all know how awful they are. Not to mention their 13-year old Kelly Clarkson loving fanbase grows daily, while the fans of quality music shun them.

Their lyrics are the boring typical disguised emo kind. You know, the kind of lyrics that try to use imagery about running yourself over with a hand grenade up the ass (or something like that) to hide the fact that it's the same "my girlfriend left me for some hot dude cause I wear women's panties and don't see why she can't be OK with that" song we've been hearing since Screaming Infidelities came out. But what else could be expected in the creativity department. I mean, they couldn't even think of their own band name. While playing some vague and generic college show that everyone hated them at, they asked the crowd what they should name their band. Some smartass called out the name "Fallout Boy!" And though they claim they weren't aware that Fallout Boy was a character from The Simpsons, I am of the opinion (and anyone with a brain is) that they did. And even if they weren't, having to ask a bunch of half drunken co-eds what to name your band is pathetic. Especially when you're about to win the William Faulkner Award for having song titles bumping triple digits in word count. But I'll be fair. The guy who writes the lyrics for most of the songs looks like this

#2: Our Frontman Is Almost As Unimportant To Our Band As "The View" Is To Television (But He's Such A Lovable Guy)
-It's a norm of the music industry that the lead singer is typically the lead man when it comes to the band. This can most basically be attributed to the fact that lots of people can play guitar, drums, bass, Sousaphone, etc. but few people (theoretically) can sing as well as a band's lead singer. There are few exceptions in history where the band was more intersting than the vocalist. So why then does Fall Out Boy abide their rather unremarkable Bassist (arguably the easiest instrument to play in the Guitar-Drum-Bass lineup) Pete Wentz hogging the spotlight? Did I mention that this was Pete Wentz?

Pete's always been a spotlight hog. He blames it on his natural "talkiness," I blame it on his natural arrogance. Proof of this lies in the fact that when ol' Pete was starting to lose the spotlight a little bit, some naked pictures of him "accidentally" leaked to the internet. Sound Familiar? But to be fair, at least he tries to be modest.

Pete: I will purposefully be on the backburner for an interview or stand at the side of a shot. I mean I am a talkative person in general but I will force myself to shut up to give everyone else room

As my mother would say, "That's mighty white of you," Pete. It's not like they shouldn't have to go around their talentless bassist to talk to the press, but I suppose with your 3 inch phallus burned into the retina of the public eye you just can't get enough of people looking at you. I think we all see "The Pete Wentz Experience" coming up. The fact that he pats himself on the back for being able to control his ten year old-esque giddiness for more than twelve seconds is proof enough of his unbelievable self-esteem. Did I say self-esteem? What I really meant was constant self-fellatio by putting himself before the band. Such an easy mix up. And so hard to believe it happens, when you consider he looks like this

Still wanna listen to Fall Out Boy?

#3:All Of Our Best Friends Say That MTV Ruined Us (We Know We've Always Been Shitty)
-When a band sucks and people who listened to them finally realize it, they often cling to any excuse they can find to start hating them. So now that you're finally starting to think straight, here's the easy way out without looking like the tasteless flake you really are to all your MySpace buddies. Just blame MTV for them selling out. In the same fashion that all the old AFI fans jumped off the AFI bandwagon when Sing The Sorrow came out, you too can blame MTV for your FOB troubles (I know I sure do, but I blame them for not gassing Patrick Stump when they had the chance, not letting Fall Out Boy onto the air). You always know a nasty skanky emo whore when they say "Fall Out Boy's first album was good, and they used to be good, UNTIL THEY WENT TO MTV." That's funny, because unless I'm mistaken (I'm not) they're still the same band writing the same stupid lyrics and naming their songs ridiculously long bullshit. Yep, really different. Oh yeah, and they still have this guy (Note: FOB Fangirl To The Left)

But hey, let's not be too hard on the jumpers. After all, they were doing strong drugs (or not taking their anti-depressants) if they liked Fall Out Boy at all. And I think we all know how bad Fall Out Boy is. So here's your easy way out, you emo bastards (and you're a Fall Out Boy fan, you like the easy way out). Here's the chance to make the right choice before you kick yourself anymore. They have no talent, a fanbase that is almost as moronic as their bassist, and a whole slew of reasons to hate them with all of your heart. Break the addiction. Break your Fall Out Boy CD's.

The Paper Chase - Now You Are One of Us - By Dom

2006-06-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

When I first took a look at this album I was thinking, "Oh great, another Cursive ripoff.." However, when I listened to the first few tracks, I learned that fortunately, I was completely wrong. Frontman, John Congleton turned out to be a complete badass, threatening listeners from the beginning of the album untill the end. The album is refreshingly repulsive.. and thankfully, the band is not afraid to speak their mind. I mean COME ON, with a song title like, "Delievered In A Firm Unyielding Way Lingering For Just A Bit Too Long To Communicate The Message 'I Own You'" you know this band means fucking business.

Changing up style in the middle of songs and mixing it up instrumentally with violins and cellos, listeners will be pleased with the loud noises coming out of their speakers. Check out this album, trust me, you will not leave unsatisfied.

Final grade: A-

Do You Stereotype Everyone You See? (Part One)

2006-06-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm really easily bothered. Seriously. If a stupid problem can be solved really easily I get mad that nobody has figured it out yet. If an ex-girlfriend decides to talk to me as soon as I roll out of bed at three in the afternoon (nobody else has noticed that we don't update before 2?) my entire day is fucked. Stereotyping someone because of what they may or may not listen to has always bothered me to the point where I feel writing a definitive guide to who is who seems like a valient and downright heroic thing to do.

First thing is first: All of you "pre-distressed American Eagle cargo shorts" wearing fuckheads with Mark Hoppus hair take heed: the word "Emo" is not going to be suitable to describing a human being any more. I made the mistake of watching the Fuse network during one of those "look at other people's text messages while we play mediocre music that has actually been touted as emo by the mainstream music journalist community because they are all fucking morons" shows and I can't say how many times I saw the words "emos suck." Immediately I thought "What the fuck is an 'emo?'"

It finally came to me when I thought back to a boy named Mike. Mike was in my class and had the audacity to call a friend of mine an "emo." My friend was not in fact an "emo" but the double tall mocha annoying fashion abortion that are "scene kids." It has since than dawned on me that a reasonable good genre of music (seriously hear me out on this) is being confused with people who may or may not listen to Atreyu. Let's make the proper distinguishments so you can from this day forward, make the ignorantly proper social pidgeonholing labels!

Scene Kids

This is a scene kid, which is most commonly called an "emo" by the uninformed, deaf, and dumb. There is going to be a lot of Fear Before The March of Flames, Grace Gale, and UnderOath if you hang out with these guys. Hawthorne Heights and My Chemical Romance are prevolent in the less-hip scene kid's car stereo. Tight women's hoodies (and pants), usually worn with shirts that belonged to a Little Leaguer at one point. Remember those velvet looking Puma shoes that all the girls on the tennis team own? Scene kids love those shoes, along with those really ugly Reebok moonboots Axel Rose use to wear. They all listen to the same kind of bland screaming-double-basspedal-but-not-exactly-hardcore genre of music (but it's NOT SREAMO) and are usually really offended when it comes to mislabeling them, because they are much more fashionably vogue than the standard emo fan, who has pretty much been extinct since like 1997. To a scene kid, Dashboard Confessional is the quintessential emo music. Popular to contrary belief, Rocky Volatono and The Spill Canvas are more scene bands, rather than some emo-revivalist shit.

The Emo Kid

An emo kid is much more delicate, less concerned about what the look like in the morning and their music taste is infinitely more interesting. The musical standard is that Sunny Day Real Estate's first album "Diary" is the quintessential emo album, Dashboard sold out, Connor Oburst was cool until he thought he was Bob Dylan, Rites of Spring was a great band and Fugazi was just too loud, Bear vs. Shark was really interesting before they broke up, and Tim Kasher is the second coming of Jesus Christ and has yet to do any wrong and fuck The Decemberists. Deep Elm rules. They carry a somewhat elitest stride in what they listen to because it's mostly still produced independantly, the real stuff hasn't changed, and those mall core jerks who name drop Cursive even though they only have Art is Hard on their expensive iPods and you have The Recluse on 7" are just assholes with bad taste trying to look arty.

The wardrobe, for the most part, is not as uniform as the scene outfit with it's meticulous pre-ripped jeans and obscure t-shirt. Emo kids made thrift stores cool before you even knew they were cool. Those rad faded t-shirts Colin Farrell wears? Thank the emo kids. Why vinyl is making a comeback? Because all the emo labels from the mid-90's could afford to put out 7" instead of CDs and that was the only way to hear the bands. Army/Navy is where it's at. Pea coats, vintage stuff, and Elvis Costello glasses. At least these guys look like normal hipsters, rather than purple streaked glam-rock kids with really bad taste in what they listen to.

The Black Eyed Peas: An Examination - By Dom

2006-06-14T12:38:00.001-07:00

The Black Eyed Peas have become a Pop-Rap (yes, this is a genre) sensation around the world, with their "vigilant hip-hop roots" it seems they are on their way to global domination...

Oh wait though, they still suck, and they're talentless hacks. Their song "Pump It" is the latest and most annoying of a slew of musical slaughter. The catchy backround that many people think is so "catchy" and "clever" is really Dick Dales, Misirlou. (If you want fucking proof go watch Pulp Fiction assholes)

I have to admit though they are fantastic dancers. Here's a live performance of the Black Eyed Peas, excusing the fact they they sound worse live than they do on album, look at how the lead singer runs in place like a fucking moron, well, ok we'll let it go since the song is called, "Let's Get Retarded." I mean, the critics are right though, they are great dancers.. in their digitally enhanced music videos, I can really see what all those "years of breakdancing in the LA streets" has done to them.

Even worse than their music is the mentality and make-up of the band, let's have a look shall we?

William

The "creative" leader of the pack, having faced personal demons on the streets of L.A., he says he's now happy of how his "band" has created such "original" and "revolutionary" sounds. You're right William, in fact, you found the idea for "Pump It" how?

"'I was in Brazil doing some CD shopping," will.i.am recalls. "I came across this compilation and I thought it was one thing but it turned out to be something else. The Dick Dale song 'Miserlou,' was on it. At first I was angry – this isn't what I wanted to buy," he laughs. "But then, really, that song is hot. I said, 'we should do a song like this.' I jump-started the computer and made some beats on the train. Then we had to fly to Tokyo and I tightened up the beat on the plane. Then I recorded vocals in this park in Tokyo. And that's how we recorded the song, 'Pump It.'"

Awsome job, Will. Your perseverance and ability to steal a song off of a CD and then mish-mash it into a shitty hip-hop song over the course of a plane ride is certainly "original" and "revolutionary".

Fergie

Finally! Some gender equality! William reports that his band recruited Fergie to, "use her music as a therapeutic vehicle." If you consider scratching your nails across a chalkboard to be therapeutic, then I'm all for letting her sing. At least she's attractive, I think she should just do what everyone is thinking and go pose in a low rate porno mag.

apl.de.ap

Nothing else needs to be said...

Taboo

When I first looked at this guy(?) I asked myself why the Black Eyed Peas, who apparently want to spread a positive message to the world, would recruit a fucking child molestor? This dumbass is by far the most idiotic looking of the group and probably sneaks into the local child day care center over the weekends. He also has a striking resemblance to the proboscis monkey:

The Black Eyed Peas have been a scar on the music community since their beginning, no matter how popular they are. Their large fanbase doesn't mean they're a good band, it's just another example of people following what MTV shows as their next music video.

The Black Eyed Peas SUCK.

Arma Secreta: A Century's Remain - By Dom

2006-06-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Although this album isn't going to be released untill the 29nd of August, but due to a leak, you can hear the electric charged punk revival-indie goodness of Arma Secreta. (Once again, we have no proof that there was a leak, other than the fact that we have the album.)

The album consists of 11 tracks most long in length. Instead of milking three minutes with mindless power chords, Christopher Wark the guitarist/bassist/vocalist/keyboard player, Bradley Bean the drummer/second vocalist/second keyboard player, and Michael Brandon the stunt bassist, provide infectious shifts and rifts that crush all other 3 men groups.

Oh that's right, I forgot, they are a 3 men group. Unlike most 3 men groups however, Arma Secreta is actually fucking good. Going back to the times of Drive Like Jehu, this band definitely crushes all competion in the 3 man race.

Fans of Cursive and Pinback will be pleased with this album, pick it up on the 29th or miss out on a kick ass album.

I Love Jenny Lewis Like A7X Fans Love Masturbating With Razors, Which Is A Lot -- Ginomee

2006-06-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not going to say that Jenny Lewis is a godess. She may be a pale, hot ass redhead whose voice can drive masses of men to a box of Kleenex in ten seconds flat, but let's be fair, she's not perfect. She hangs out with a guy named Pierre. But it's better not to look at people for their flaws, right?

Jenny Lewis is the amazingly talented vocalist of the amazingly talented Rilo Kiley. No link necessary for them however, if you wanna know who they are, look them up. When I was asked to write an article about Jenny Lewis I figured "Hey, why the fuck do the normal shit?" So that's what I'm not gonna do. Listed below is exactly what I think of the amazing vocalist above vocalists, Jenny Lewis

I think it's safe to say that if Jenny Lewis was tied to my bed, without clothes, and asking for sex, I'd probably, probably, oblige her. I mean, she's only been in movies and commercials, but hell, sometimes you just gotta settle for less than the best. That metal rod put in her fucking jaws to keep her from cracking her teeth at night that she talked about in "Jenny, You're Barely Alive" will become more literal than she thought. Not to mention, "Jenny, You're Barely Alive" is an amazing song not really on any Rilo Kiley albums. If we're talking about how great her music is, which is obviously her main appeal, then look no further than "Take Offs & Landings," which was an album that has more respect from everyone in the music world than the entire works of Metallica. Jenny's vocals on the entire album make you contemplate everything from love poetry to stalking in order to win her heart. Then there's blood in your mouth, cause you'll be biting your tongue all week. And the first week after first exposure to Jenny Lewis is like Coke withdrawal, only harder to deal with. It's like losing your virginity to God, if God was a hot pale redhead who makes cussing sound like not only art, but beauty incarnate. By the way, if you wanna pick up a copy of "Take Offs & Landings," "Go Ahead."

My first Jenny Lewis experience was with the most recent Rilo Kiley effort, "More Adventurous" (which incidentally happens to be the working title of the book about my future life with Jenny Lewis). One listen to "The Absence Of God" and I realized what was wrong with my life. Too little religion. So I founded a church on rock more solid than even "The Church Of Havok." Hard to believe, I know. I called this church, "The Church of Jenny Lewis" And what the title lacks in originality, the church makes up for ten fold in devotion. We answer the tough questions like, What do you do "If living [without Jenny Lewis] is the problem" which I'm sure you'd agree, is "just baffling." And after you hear "More Adventurous," you'll be banging on the door of our two room apartment headquarters begging to be a member. The sheer "indie" (and I use that soiled term lightly) beauty of the album is almost enough to make girls lesbian. Only they all already are in a small way, so I guess that's not a good example. But, to be basic, Jenny Lewis sings every track on "More Adventurous" as good as a vocalist from Omaha, and who knows, she might be.

And who could forget the work that the ever-gorgeous and eternally youthful Jenny Lewis did with the good ol' Watson Twins on her solo album, "Rabbit Fur Coat." It's a stunningly honest and brutally folksy album that turns heads from here to Darfur. Just kidding, people in Darfur don't have time for music. But if we could only play some soothing "You Are What You Love" for those mean-spirited bastards who are civil warring over there, I think everyone would lay down "The Big Guns" and relax. They'd probably go back to killing right after they figured out where the weird foreign music with lyrics they don't understand because it's in a language they'll never know is coming from, but "It's a plan brother, at least." Your first listen to "Rabbit Fur Coat" might make you wonder whether you wanna listen to it or not. But it doesn't matter. It's Jenny Lewis. The obviousness of the truth will come to you in the end as you listen to it to over and over again to comfort you through nights of nothing wrong in particular. Just be glad that you weren't "born secular, and inconsolable," you ungrateful bastard. All three of the aforementioned albums must be picked up. Fuck options, options make countries weak. Do like Lenin told ya and pick those fuckers up.

To conclude (if such a thing is possible after what I've created here), Jenny Lewis is worthy of Worship And Tribute. The only way she could improve is to have sex with Daryl Palumbo, but now that he's in Head Automatica it's not likely he's up for heterosexuality. Not that Head Auto isn't good, it's just not Daryl. It's a bad clone. But enough about Daryl, we're all here on this Earth for one reason, and that is to make the angelJenny Lewis "Happy, hehe". Because I like watching her undress, and I think we're at our best by the flicker and the light of the TV set as we miss mornings for sleep as the sun glides over our apartment...

Confusion! For The Inclined... - By Dom

2006-06-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

With music already heading for the decline, we seem to have ourselves in a mincing of many genres here... If electro/pop/punk/emo/goth/dark/rock doesn't have you confused, let's dive into the vastly growing "new" genre.. dance-pop.

Yes, it's all over, bands like, Panic! At The Disco, Head Automatica, and Fall Out Boy are dominating MTV (that's music television incase you were wondering), FUSE, and all those other "rebel" TV stations.

Now for the muscially inclined individual, this all may seem like a massive mess. Simply put, it is.

Not only is this genre a confusion of all different types of music meshed together, it also seems to have crossed itself into a type of music called emo, which seems to be an ugly word these days. In reality though, most bands who are called emo are really blocking out the true feeling of emotional rock geniuses like Cursive and Sunny Day Real Estate.

Bands like Gang of Four, and New Order would fall into the category of "dance-pop" and they had made their music 10-20 years ago. So why you ask is this exhausted garbage being repackaged today?

Quite frankly, I have no fucking idea. The music industry seemed to have a clever idea of rounding up about 20 bands with lead singers who all sound the same, start out with these techy rifts and lead into a lyrical disaster with sophomoric motives about "wishing to be the friction in your jeans.."

To sum it all up, the trend of dance-pop has been around for years, unfortunately people are too fucking lazy to go find it.

P!ATD Split Gets Ugly

2006-06-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month I read in Rolling Stone that Brent Wilson, former bassist of meterosexual Fall Out Boy cover band Panic! At The Disco left on "amicable terms with the band." Not that I give a shit about his feelings (due largely to the fact that anyone who thinks it's okay to write an album that is as bad as "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" should be isolated into a dark shed in the middle of a swamp and forced to watch the Twin Peaks movie), but I guess The Split was a tad uglier than was previously reported.

I love this shit. Wilson gets totally fucked out of a shitty band, and will never do anything again because a band that holds "plenty of sway in the indie community" claims that the guy can't even play bass. I think anyone who listens to music seriously, with the intent of enjoying it at least, has come to the unanimous conclusion that Panic! At The Disco is not only a bad band, but now they have been revealed to be shitty glam rock revivalists. This quote really bothered me:

"Anyone who goes to a show on this tour will see that we have a lot of production on the road with us," Smith wrote. "We are basically breaking even with the amount of money it is costing us to put on the show that we want to put on..."

Ugh. Any band (besides The Flaming Lips) that finds it appropriate to bring some sort of prop to make their stage show better is clearly a bunch of really shitty musicians who need to take the audience's mind off of that fact. The article states that each individual member will be making $30,000 - $50,000 a fucking show, and they think they are going to "break even"? What sort of elaborate backdrop do they plan to set up? Is there going to be a Flamingo Dancing troup? Are they going to pay good musicians to play the show instead? Fuck, those fat girls who look like unkept Elvis Costello clones came to see shitty music, not Cirque de Sole!

Sounds Like Violence Upcoming LP

2006-06-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sounds Like Violence are calling their upcoming full-length (on Deep Elm) "The Greatest." Due out (officially) in September. Although if you're familiar with Deep Elm, you can get the album in July through mail order, and in August online.

The New Warriors Album Really Is Shitty

2006-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

When I received the new Warriors album, beyond the noise, I had one thing in my head: white bandanas. Maybe it’s the bullshit tough guy hardcore scene that has brewed around bands like The Warriors and Hoods, but the music itself has become increasingly irrelevant. Tough Guy Hardcore is essentially composed specifically to get the meat-headed pricks into the pit to start fights. It’s been a long time since music meant absolutely nothing to a music scene.

The Warriors is in no way shape or form an exception to this rule. The first track, Dice Game has a chugging guitar riff and a chorus that evokes guys with shaved heads throwing their fists up and singing along after a perfectly heterosexual dogpile. Two tracks into the album you can already feel like a fascist group is outside of your window chanting about amateur cage-fighting. Ian MacKaye, I hope you’re fucking happy.

I wonder if the “musicians” that make up these bands are perfectly content with the fact that the music they make is not creative whatsoever. The Warriors sounds like an over-produced RATM cover band made up entirely of 14 year old middle school drop outs. The lead singer rips off Zach de la Rocha so closely. Down to the “somewhat quieter growl of the words ‘everything lies’” to the day one guitar riffs that make Pete Wentz sound like Omar Rodriguez, The Warriors prove themselves to be nothing but hacks; chanting, yelling hacks.

The album itself masks it’s boring, artless concept with interludes that G!YBE would scoff at with a gaping mouth and pointed fingers. Distinguishing between tracks is downright impossible because every song sounds the same. If you’re one of these tough guy assholes who feels the need to “get pumped” before you knock out some kid in an Appleseed Cast t-shirt, just do us all a favor and get one track of this mediocre nonsense so The Warriors can feel discouraged to never play a show or release another disc again. Beyond the Noise is the worst shitheap I have ever shoveled into my ears voluntarily.

Score? 1.5 out of 5.

Seeing God Damn Double - By Dom

2006-06-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you who like dancing naked while drunk (who doesn't?) or just dig a kick ass dose of traditional Irish music fused with punk rock, "Whiskey On A Sunday", Flogging Molly's new album, following up their 2004 album, "Within A Mile of Home" keeps the same pace with their rad, older albums.

Wait though, there's more.

The 10 track CD also comes with a 106 minute DVD documentary, showing interviews and a look at how the band keeps their music fucking fun to listen to.

If you haven't heard Flogging Molly before, I suggest giving them a try. Keep a lookout for the new album coming out July 25th.

DECEMBERUNDERGROUND - Review - By Dom

2006-06-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so before anyone says, "AFI SUCKS, GIRLS NOT GREY WAS GAY" needs to shut the hell up and keep reading. AFI has always gotten mixed reviews from critics, but their new industrial/hardcore album, with the occasional punk revival should divert your attention away from the fact that Sing The Sorrow was a piece of post-hardcore garbage.

The album is definitely a lot darker than their previous work. The lyrics of it are much higer grade than the cookie cutter four chord passages found in most emo. The inclusion of ghost notes and scales throughout the album starts out with a very slow sounding melody, and then leads into a bouncing joyride. From there, the album goes back and forth, with some jump tracks like Love Like Winter, to the darker songs like Summer Shudder. Electronic backdrops make for an overall fast-paced dark feel.

Although the album can be a tad on the whiny bitch side at times, it is definitely worth picking up.

Avenged Sevenfold vs. Dillinger Escape Plan

2006-06-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

M. Shadows, and just about anyone with a metal stage name, is a fucking douchebag, and that's unanimous. In a radio interview, M. Shadows, lead singer of 80's hair metal revivalist band Avenged Sevenfold said about The Dillenger Escape Plan this:

"Dillinger make shitty noises and try to pass it off as music."

Now, anyone with the ability to consume soundwaves through the fucking apparatus on the sides of their head can understand that while it may be a valid opinion to some, it in no way, shape, or form should be expressed by any member of Avenged Sevenfold, or the owner of any "A7X" merchandise. DEP has always been super-mathy to me and I really dug how intricate a lot of it was. DEP apparently was not going to stand to be critiqued by "M. Shadows" from Avenged fucking Sevenfold, and they had this as a retort:

"What about bands that make shitty noise and try to pass it off as Guns N' Roses?"

Obviously this is a lot more valid (and probably more of a widespread opinion) so DEP pretty much wins that round by a longshot. The fun doesn't stop, however, when DEP decided that in order to keep up with how "dark" and "Hot Topicy" A7X is, they have decided to adopt stage names as well.

"...in his honor, our new names are officially as follows: G. Piranha, Blaster Master Weinman, Bullwhip Benoit, Corpsefucker Pennie, and Leafeater Wilson. Those are going to be the names on our new CD. 100 percent serious."

DEP wins this "feud" without a doubt. I think it's a true testament to the "if you're in the realm of 'musical abortion' do yourself the favor and don't talk shit on a band that is clearly more talented than your band" rule. Although DEP made A7X look like a bunch of morons that take themselves as musicians seriously, I can't say that I wouldn't want to watch the frontmen fight each other.

Brian Benoit

VS.

M. Shadows, faggot extraordinaire.

I mean come on. A guy who is bleeding from the forehead and looks like an American Gladiators reject versus Steve-O from Jackass. I've already got my bet placed.

Two New Jonbenet Tracks

2006-06-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

The Jonbenet put two songs from their upcoming release (on Pluto Records) up on their myspace. All you fucking pit-dwellers please try to enjoy it without kicking anyone in the face out of expression of male aggression.

God you're all fucking meatheads.

We're Happy that Happy Hollow Leaked - By Dom

2006-06-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

Omaha's own band, Cursive, had announced details for their upcoming album, "Happy Hollow" which has been described as a combination gospel, blues, and the occasional groove. As a follow up to their 2003 album, "The Ugly Organ" the new CD includes 14 new tracks.

Luckily, no one has to wait untill August 22nd to listen to the album. We don't have any proof that it leaked other than the fact that we have it. Other than that, no one has made any confirmation.

Mars Volta's New Album News

2006-06-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

The Mars Volta's next album, due in early August, is tenatively titled "Amputechture." A single is said to be released by June 28th. The prog-rock geniuses have not released the artwork yet, but it is confirmed that Storm Thurgason (of Pink Floyd fame and responsible for the first two Mars Volta album's covers) will be doing the artwork again.

Welcome to Paramilitary!

2006-06-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

It's sort of an ego-trip for me to do this again, because it's something I did almost three years ago on a different website, hopefully one that some of you have migrated over here from. Anyway, this is the new site that is replacing The Jesse Factor as my home site.

The idea behind Paramilitary is simple: We probably hate what you listen to. Those of you who know me from The Jesse Factor are well informed that I have spat on many musicians via the internet, and this is essentially a place where I can focus on the area that I have studied entirely too much.

Expect updates constantly, whether they be news snippets (which will be posted throughout the day), full-blown reviews of new albums, concert reviews, industry commentary, leak information, articles, and the snobby rejection of 90% of popular music some of you may have already grown accustomed to.

Our staff is consisted of myself and Dom, who may also be known as "aXuS" depending on how long you've known him. He is going to be writing and chances are, doing a shitload of the graphical work on the site. If you are interested in writing for us, send me an email.